


10. 'i'm sorry. i didn't know'

by restmyheadatnightcontent



Series: febuwhump 2021 [10]
Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29340744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/restmyheadatnightcontent/pseuds/restmyheadatnightcontent
Summary: They were going to find out eventually. He’s honestly surprised that they never figured it out before – he supposes that he must have been better at hiding it than he thought.
Relationships: Essi Daven & Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier | Dandelion & Shani, Jaskier | Dandelion/Valdo Marx
Series: febuwhump 2021 [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2139954
Kudos: 20





	10. 'i'm sorry. i didn't know'

**Author's Note:**

> this one sort of got away from me and i'm not super happy with it but here we go!

They were going to find out eventually. He’s honestly surprised that they never figured it out before – he supposes that he must have been better at hiding it than he thought.

He had always known that he was different, that he thought about people in a different way to everyone else. The boys at school would look at pictures at girls at talk about their bodies, and how good they looked, all huddled around a laptop late at night watching videos that they definitely shouldn’t be watching. All their focus was on the woman, but Julian (because he was Julian then, not Jaskier) found his gaze wandering. The woman was beautiful obviously, but he thought the man was too, in a different way to the woman but still beautiful nonetheless.

He didn’t dare say it out loud, he knew what the other boys would say if they knew the thoughts in his head, he knew what they would do. He was certain he wasn’t the only one who was different, he had seen the way other boys eyes lingered a little too long on the rugby captain in upper sixth, or the blush on their cheeks in the changing room. He was sure he wasn’t alone but none of the dared try to find out.

He still wasn’t entirely sure about it even after he kissed a boy for the first time. His name was Aleksander, he was a few years older than Julian and they had met during band practice. He played the saxophone and Julian thought he was brilliant. So it had been incredible when he had pulled Julian around the back of the music building and pressed their lips together. He wasn’t sure how long they were there, but Julian could have stayed there forever. His lips tingled for hours afterwards and he could feel the flush on his cheeks as he saw Aleks on the other side of the dinner hall. He would lie in bed at night, brushing his fingers against his lips, smiling at the memory where no one could see him.

So it had been all the more painful when after band practice the next week he had summoned the courage to wander over and ask Aleks if he wanted to come with him into town next week during the holidays, only to have his question met with a loud laugh. It wasn’t that serious, he had said, it was only a bit of fun, just a way to pass the time. He only did it because there weren’t any girls around, he said, just you wait until you can try it with a girl.

His heart had dropped and the embarrassment flooded through him. Obviously, Aleksander was right. It was just a bit of fun. It had felt so good, so he could only imagine what it would be like with a girl.

And that summer he found out. He was at a party, an anniversary party of some friends of his parents, and there was a girl who had freckles on her face and the most wonderful hair he had ever seen. Her name was Nina and she was going to be a dancer, she said and she had the most beautiful smile Julian had ever seen. Someone was making a speech and their eyes met across the crowd and the next thing he knew they were kissing, hidden amongst the trees. As his hands moved up to hold her waist, Aleksanders words echo in his mind.

It feels different, kissing Nina, but its not better than how he felt kissing Aleksander. Just different. He wondered if he was doing it wrong. It didn’t feel bad, it felt amazing.

The years went by, and he continued kissing both girls and boys, one in the open and the other in secret. He spent nights on the internet, frantically researching, looking for a label that would fit him. But he did it all alone. There wasn’t anyone at school he trusted, no friends back home to ask, and he certainly wasn’t going to talk to his parents about it.

And then came University. He stumbled off the train at Oxenfurt, clutching at his many bags, he made his way to his building and into his room. Finally a room where he could be himself, not have to worry about someone peeking at something over his shoulder, or that his parents will come barging into the room at any point. A weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

And then he met Essi. Beautiful, talented, wonderful, intelligent Essi. They had met when she shyly introduced herself when she took the seat next to him in the lecture theatre and the rest was history. She invited him along to the Freshers’ karaoke and to the pre-drinks she was having in her room beforehand and he readily agreed. There he met her roommate Shani, and later that evening when the three of them were wrapped up in a pink feather boa belting out Whitney Houston, he knew they would be firm friends.

University was the chance he had been waiting for his whole life. He joined the LGBT+ society and his eyes were open. In no time at all, his room was plastered with rainbows and he left for every club with his face swathed in glitter. He finally felt comfortable in his own skin. He was free. He started getting people to call him Jaskier, leaving poor, scared Julian behind.

Then he met Valdo. Valdo was brilliant. He was handsome, he was charming, he was funny and he could play the piano like no-one Jaskier had ever met. Valdo started sending him flirtatious smiles from across the room during seminars, and then he was asking Jaskier if he wanted to grab a drink. One drink turned into many, and then Valdo was pulling giggling Jaskier into a club and onto the dancefloor. He pulled Jaskier close, and then their lips were meeting in a heated kiss. Jaskier almost screamed in delight. Valdo was kissing him here, on the dancefloor in front of everyone. He was a far cry from the scared boy stealing secret kisses behind the science building.

They started going out properly - Valdo took him out to dinner, they went on walks around the park, went to gigs together. It was wonderful.

He should have known it wouldn’t last.

It was time for him to return home for the winter holidays. He gave Valdo one last hard kiss and tight hugs to both Essi and Shani before he was getting on the train, shouting promises for a video call soon before he left to take his seat. As he watched the fields speed by, a familiar curl of dread appeared in his stomach at the thought of seeing his parents again. He had said to himself that he was going to tell them the truth, about who he really was but as he steps into the hall he feels his confidence begin to drain away and the shame bubbling up inside him once again. He’d tell them later. No need to do it straight away. The days went by and everyday the thought of telling his parents grew stronger and stronger.

Then earlier that day, a noise from his phone pulled him up from his bed from where he had been idly strummed his guitar. It was a message from Valdo.

 _Come downstairs_ , it read. He frowned at his phone and then his moved towards the window.

Valdo was here. He waved at him, mouthing _surprise!,_ before he stepped towards the door.

Jaskier had raced down the stairs, desperate to open the door before either of his parents could reach it.

His heart drops when he sees his mother standing at the door as Valdo introduces himself.

“Hi, I’m Valdo – Julian;s boyfriend. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

And he feels his whole world collapse around him. The way his mothers shoulders hunch at the word _boyfriend_. The fact that she says nothing and walks directly into his fathers study.

The shock must have shown on his mothers face, as Valdo then seems to understand what he’s done and he is reaching for Jaskier, his face pained.

“Jask, I’m sorry I didn’t know – if I had known – I wouldn’t – I never would have—”

“You should go,” he manages to force out.

“Jask, don’t—” Valdo reaches out to pull him into a hug but Jaskier steps back before he can. He doesn’t need to give his parents anymore ammunition then they already have.

“Please. Please just go,” he says.

And Valdo does leave.

Jaskier walks numbly up the stairs, back into his bedroom and waits. Waits for the inevitable.

It doesn’t take long. His door slams open and his father storms into his room shouting. Shouting about how he was no son of his, about the shame he had brought on the family, about he need to leave, that he was no longer welcome in this house. Jaskier tried to plead, through his tears, but it was useless. His father was ripping his clothes from the wardrobe, whilst his mother just stood in the doorway and stared.

Which is how he finds himself now, standing at the station, soaked to the skin clutching a bag that contained everything he could grab before his father could advance on him and show him just how furious he was.

His fingers shake as he unlocks his phone, and he can barely see the screen through the rain and the tears rolling down his cheeks, but he manages to start the call.

“Essi, it’s me – could I come and stay with you for a bit please?”


End file.
